highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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