thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
