Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
