so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
