if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
