Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
