Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
