But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
