Got a toothbrush?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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