I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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