I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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