did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
