So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
