I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
