i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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