My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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