She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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