I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
