He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
