I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize