I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
