he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
