It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
