If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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