your parents love me but you hate me
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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