I should be sponsored by Trojan
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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