omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Randomize
