Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
