It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
