I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize