mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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