"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
