I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
