Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
