ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
