if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Two words: blizzard sex
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
