After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
