You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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