It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
