im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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