I'm so fucking centered right now
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
