I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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