I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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