Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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