I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
