When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
