Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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