I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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