the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize