I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize