I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
