This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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