Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
