I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
