I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Pants are for mortals
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize