Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
