If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
