My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize