I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
