phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
