I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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