i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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