Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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