every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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