Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The uberlube is also flammable
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
