false alarm. still invincible.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There's always time for handjobs
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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