She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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