If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
