so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
