i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
