i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
