he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
