Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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