I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
